The
following is a grandson’s reflection of someone who was thought to be something
they were not and instead a realization of who they actually were.
The following is a grandson’s reflection of someone who
was thought to be something they were not and instead a realization of who they
actually were.
There is another side to Grandpa that people don't see,
Grandma.
Grandma, her influence and effect she had on him.
The best way to describe her influence on him was that she
kept him constantly irritated, and for many years unstable with respect to the relationships
within the family.
Since they were married she would get him wound up, get him upset, get him seeking an oasis of sorts to be free from the "word daggers" she used to stab him with. He lived in the constant threat and instability of his wife always resenting him for one reason or another and wanting to leave. She transformed him into a person that he never used to be, nor presumably, wanted to become. Over the years it ended up changing him into someone very different, it was as if she eroded his soul. She did this by introducing stress and anxiety to his life, in the form of constant dissension which slowly killed his spirit. She frequently threatened to leave him and take the kids with her, which would have been a shameful outcome in those days where divorce was the outcome of failure. She was the mother of his children who openly and publicly criticized him to everyone who would listen including sharing this with their own children. Who could live a balanced life knowing his wife thought the worse of him and was constantly putting him down both to his face and behind his back. What drove this in her?
Only she could answer this and maybe she never came to
terms with it herself, BUT perhaps it was due to her being unable to marry the
true love of her life. The resentment that instilled knowing she had to
settle instead for him as her husband and the father of their
children rather than who she wanted. Perhaps this resentment was her
driving force that fueled such negative energy towards him.
But was it his fault she couldn't marry who she wanted?
Was it his fault that her own family refused to allow her
to marry the person she wanted, an event that took place before his
involvement?
Or was it really his fault that she accepted his proposal for marriage and
agreed to share a life together?
If only she had learned to work it out and love the one she was with, they
could have set the stage for a healthy next generation.
But who could he have discussed or shared this with to help him learn? Especially to anyone that he could to trust while continuing to maintain his dignity, for he was an honest, proud and dignified person at heart. To the best of anyone’s knowledge, he discussed it with no one and he internalized it all.
The results were Grandma instilled a deep rooted discord
between Grandpa and his children which embittered them, so they never really
understood who their own father really was. And today, at the very
core, it is much of what his children struggle with, an inner questioning
of their father's love.
I was the only person of my generation that lived with
Grandma and Grandpa for almost the first 6 years of my life, so I have a unique
perspective from others in my family's generation. For this reason, I do
not agree with many of the examples presented to me as their childhood trauma’s.
Even though I was much younger at the time, I too lived with Grandma and
Grandpa, shared the day to day routine, the very same living as my mother, aunt and uncle’s
talked about. It while was true that Grandpa was a different person, mostly he
was misunderstood.
Consider that, he lived through the depression, had very
little, so everything had a nominal value. He demonstrated this by collecting
things that no one wanted thinking that bulk weight for certain materials could
at some point be sold. Piles of objects were collected and sorted based upon
their composition in hopes that one day they would reach the minimum weight
limits set by recycling centers for payment. Today this is common practice
around the world and nothing unique to him or where he lived. Yet they referred
to him as a pack rat and called him a “hoarder”.
He lived a hard life, worked for what he had and built
what he had on own with little to no help from his parents. He worked hard, knew
how to work effectively and how to conserve resources. He kept lights off,
electrical appliances on only when needed and always mindful of waste. He used
everything such as clothing and machinery until they were literally falling
apart for they were precious commodities to him and when they were no longer
usable, their materials were stripped and placed onto the appropriate
categories for recycle. Yet they called him “eccentric”.
And he experienced true hunger in his days, so he wasted
nothing. This is an experience that molds a person. Afterwards people are
never the same, no matter the current circumstances. He came from a time when
personal hygiene was not as paramount as is with the next or current generation, yet
he was considered to be “odd" and some questioned "autism”.
Since these are experiences that none of the next
generation shared, it was hard for them to truly understand and difficult to
relate to the basis for his behavior. Not to mention these traits served to
paint a negative personality portrayal, a bias his own wife had placed upon
him.
Yet take into consideration that if someone from Grandpa’s
generation was to look at the modern generation’s ways of life, the current abundance
of every basic need from food, clothing and living conditions which enables the
primary focus on life to be centered around personal comfort and entertainment,
they too would find it hard to understand this behavior. The sheer abundance
and consumption the modern generation has, the callous disregard for natural
resources, the volume of waste generated from packaging of staple food
products, gluttonous over consumption
and the loss of some of the most basic skills that served all generations of
the past so well, not to mention the closeness of the family unit which needed
to work together in order to make ends meet. With this perspective, no longer is
there clearly a right or wrong, it is about communications, empathy and understanding.
Funny, but this understanding was never portrayed to me
by anyone. I came to realize this on my own, largely by maturity and by
discarding the negative biases in order to see the depth of a person never seen
before.
Even though his character was poisoned in a way that
turned teachings into trauma, care into callousness and affection into
affliction, Grandpa loved his family. While he did not use words, he showed his
love, by providing for his wife, children and grandchildren so they never knew
hunger, were never deprived of basic needs or a home to live in. He also proved
this when he passed away by giving his earthly possessions equally to all his
children, without bias.
Strange however, it seems I am alone with this truth. And while I never let it take focus off my present family, I do listen to all events of my families past and learn from them to strive for a better future.
